Tourists be warned . . . Guatemala is infested with diseases and ailments that are immune to your travel vaccines and may ruin your tourist experience.
While it’s recommended that you have all the usual vaccinations that your doctor may insist you have before departing, there is no end to the myriad of local infirmities that a visitor to Guatemala may encounter.
INVESTIGACIÓN © J. Russell, Junio 20, 2016
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Basically, their are two categories of illnesses in Guatemala; The “Natural Illnesses”, which modern western medicine already knows about and the “Cultural Illnesses”, which are peculiar to this country and have not as yet been formally investigated or diagnosed successfully by any medical team in the world.
“Cultural Illnesses” are the ones that you have to really watch out for when traveling to Guatemala or living there, as they are only found within the borders of this great nation. Most are described by words or expressions that simply don’t exist in the Spanish language.
Future sufferers should also be aware that Guatemalan doctors who graduate from the University of San Carlos Medical Faculty, are specifically trained not to treat any patient with a “Cultural Illness”, as their expertise with these types of diseases is limited and often result in misdiagnosis and unfavorable outcomes for the patient.
From the moment you enter Guatemalan airspace, you will begin to experience tingling sensations alerting you to the presence of the local bugs, viruses and germs that are peculiar to this country, and all extremely eager to attack you.
Arriving at the Aurora International Airport in Guatemala City, you have to watch out that you don’t catch a Cachimbazo (no known translation) which can be quite painful and may take days to recover from.
Cachimbazos are best described as injuries to your person such as tripping over, stubbing your toe, knocking your shin or dropping a heavy suitcase on your foot, while maneuvering through the most shabbily designed and run international airport in the world.
Once aboard the shuttle on the way to your hotel in Antigua Guatemala or Panajachel, you may have another Cachimbazo, which this time may involve an accident with another vehicle and although not fatal, may severly dent the vehicle.
Having survived the journey to your destination with just a couple of Cachimbazos, you may begin to suffer from Cuerpo Pesado (heavy body) and unless you were born and bred in Guatemala, there is no way to explain what this is, other than to say that you feel as if you are wearing a lead suit and can´t move your arms and legs.
At this point we should point out that as a result of your earlier Cachimbazo, you may have Le Dió Nervios (you contracted nerves). Everyone in the world has nerves, but in Guatemala you can catch nerves when you are confused, scared, in shock or in anguish. This can be quite dangerous as it my develop into full blown Patatús.
Should you catch Patatús, which is a mild form of craziness of unknown origins that mainly affects people over 50 years of age, it’s usually treated by being admitted overnight to hospital for observation. Observation is a medical procedure in Guatemala that cures all sorts of things.
Whilst in hospital, it’s advisable to have the medics take a look at your Chinchón (lump on the back of your cranial area), usually caused by the earlier Cachimbazo you suffered during your attack of Patatús.
Having recovered from this unfortunate chain of Cultural Illnesses and feeling much better, you may decide that as a bloke, you should go out to a Cantina (bar), have a few drinks and get laid.
Editors Note; The following explanation is for heterosexuals as I have no idea how the gays, lesbians, transvestites or hermaphrodites in town go about any of these activities and I don’t really have the time to find out.
Now, if you fancy one of the local host-national indigenous or Ladino girls, forget your time honored European tactics used on the chicks back home, ’cause none of that works with the locals.
In Guatemala, you indecently kiss and fondle the prey (the girls) in the street, preferably in the dim light of a dark doorway and when you can’t contain yourself any longer, you ask for a Prueba de Amor (a proof of love).
When she agrees, forget about going to her place as her father or mother won’t permit such a thing and anyone of her numerous brothers could murder you on the spot, so you need to borrow, beg or steal a car and take her to an Auto-Hotel, which is basically a knocking shop, but you supply the girl.
Naive friends of mine have stayed the night in Auto-Hotels mistaking them for normal Motels and been impressed with the mirrors on the ceilings, the reuseable sex toys, the frilly sheets, the porn channels and the smell of cheap perfume that is pumped into the room automatically via the air-conditioning system, so I’m told.
Guatemalan women are incredibly fertile, so be careful where you splash your sperm about as the only thing they know about contraceptives is that to use them is sinful and will condem them to eternal punishment in Hell. Some believe themselves to be under the protection of a witch doctor’s spell in these matters but that’s not true, unless you drank the potion as well.
If the girl who has given you her Prueba de Amor gets pregnant, which is highly likely, you will need to cancel the university you are attending and start looking for a job in Antigua Guatemala or Panajachel as a bar tender, while at the same time, easing your way into her family and sharing a single bed with her brothers.
Guatemalan girls enjoy receiving gifts and presents on a regular basis and the more expensive the better. The more you have the more you will be loved. In fact, you are worth your weight in gold, but I digress.
Coming back to further illnesses that you could easily contract in Guatemala is Roncha (lumpy rash), that is more serious than Bolitas (little balls) as it irritates and itches one’s private parts, regardless of your sex.
Salpullido (untranslatable) is the official streetname name for Bolitas and these normally manifest themselves as skin eruptions after having eaten something that didn’t agree with you or that you are allergic to, such as a shrimp cocktail of which you swallowed more that you should have, the first time you visited the ocean.
Suffering from Roncha of course, can lead to Quebranto (breakdown), a mysterious increase in body temperature, not considered high enough to be a fever, but sufficiently serious to avoid going to work or skipping school that day.
If you have Quebranto, you should also avoid Le Cayó el Sereno (Dew fell on him) which is another mysterious illness that attacks you during nocturnal hours, specially children who don’t cover their heads when going outside during the evening. This illness is also known to affect people who have imbibed too much and have decided to sleep it off in the streets with their arses exposed to the sky.
Empacho is quite serious as well. This is a digestive disorder caused by eating all Guatemalan street foods at once such as pork lumps, crackling, ceviche, blood sausage, frijoles, guacamol, gizzards, udder, meat strips, pepian (no translation), revolcado (no translation) and two bottles of Guaro (sugar cane alcohol 100% proof)
Another Guatemalan illness that has the Harvard medical team perplexed by it’s complexity is Cogió un Aire (he/she caught an air). No one knows what it is, but everybody catches it at some stage.
Jodido (fucked) is also very common. This word can be a swear word or an illness, synonymous with things being bad. It’s used to describe pain in any part of the body and manifests it’s self when you are out of work, have no money or your girlfriend, lover or wife has dumped you.
Colgado (hung) is an illness that people suffer when they succumb to the charms of the opposite sex. To be Colgado is to be in love as in “my mate is hung deader than a sausage in a butcher shop”.
There is also no guarantee that you won’t catch Mal de Yegua (Mare’s Illness) in Guatemala. Symptoms are lower back pain. The cure (according to the witchdoctors), is to get a young virgin to sit on the affected areas with her legs open, whilst wearing no panties. That normally does the trick. There are numerous reports of this not working, if the virgin is old and ugly.
If you should catch a combo of any of the aforementioned illnesses in Guatemala, you will be Hecho Lata (have become a scrap of useless tin). In other words you are weak, of no use any more and finished.
By this stage, you are likely to suffer from a Guevazo (hit with a big egg/testicle). This normally happens in public, when there are lost of people around. The main symptom is that you trip, fall flat on your face and jump up immediately pretending that nothing has happened, hoping that no one noticed.
A Guevazo should not be confused with a Guevón (big ball/large testicle) as this is a person with allegedly such large testicles, that have caused him to become extremely lazy and useless, incapable of doing anything. His testicles have become a handicap in his daily life.
Some foreigners may even catch Chipe (no translation exists). Symptoms are an altered emotional state with hyper sensibility, crying and intolerance, all happening at the same time. Children catch this when their mothers are pregnant, adults when they are Colgado of another woman or when their favorite football (soccer) team looses the final.
As a tourist in Guatemala you may experience Aguevamiento (softening of balls/testicles). Symptoms are fear and cowardice mixed together, brought about by many different causes such as; soldiers or police pointing assault rifles at you, the condom breaks, the girl that gave you a Prueba de Amor informs you that her period is overdue or your passport and credit cards are stolen.
Riding around in the famous chicken buses in Guatemala can give you Mal de Camioneta (Bus Illness). This is usually caused by serious anomalies in your digestive system which makes you spray shit everywhere and piss through your arse. This is also known as Chorrio (extreme runs).
As happened to many of the German settlers who arrived in Guatemala 150 years ago to grow coffee, you may also catch Mal de Finca (Plantation Sickness). You are more likely to get this if you live on a remote coffee plantation and your wife decides to visit your home country for an extended period.
As Mal de Finca hits you, you will be overcome with an uncontrollable desire to screw one of the local Indigenous girls on the farm and will spend the rest of your life in total denial of any consequential issue, even though such issue, may present blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin and look exactly like you. Quite often your wife will leave you when she spots the young and growing evidence running around between the rows of coffee trees.
Mal de Ojo (Bad Eye) can be a bummer if somebody decides to put a hex on you so as to harm you. The most common symptom is that you will feel a constant weight on your chest, however if you rub an egg on your body then break it and put it in a glass of water under your bed, this will soon pass.
The list of ailments in Guatemala is endless; La Pálida (Paleness), Basca (nausea, queasiness), Goma (Hangover), Mal de Mayo (May Sickness which you can catch all year round), Mal de Montaña (Mountain Sickness), Tzuul (Loss of your Soul), Susto (Fright), Espanto (Frightened by a ghost), Malos Vientos (Bad Winds), Caída de la Mollera (fallen fontanel) etc., etc.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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